The Midlife Crisis Affair: When Your Partner Becomes a Stranger

You have spent years building a life with someone. You know how they take their coffee, what makes them laugh, and how they sound when they are trying not to cry. Then, seemingly overnight, that person disappears. Not physically, at least not at first, but emotionally. The partner you trusted, the person who once felt like home, starts behaving like a stranger. And when the truth finally surfaces, you learn that a midlife crisis affair has been unfolding behind the scenes of your shared life. The ground beneath you shifts. Everything you thought you understood about your relationship is suddenly in question.

This experience is far more common than most people realize. Research suggests that between 15 and 25 percent of married individuals will engage in extramarital activity at some point during their marriage, and a significant portion of those affairs cluster around the midlife years, typically between the ages of 40 and 60. The midlife crisis affair is not simply about attraction to another person. It is a complex collision of identity confusion, existential anxiety, unresolved personal history, and the very human fear that time is running out. Understanding this complexity does not excuse the behavior, but it does create a framework for making sense of something that otherwise feels completely senseless.

At PremiumPairing, we work with individuals and couples who are navigating the aftermath of infidelity every week. In our experience, the midlife crisis affair carries a particular kind of devastation because it strikes at the foundation of long-established trust. When a partner of five, ten, or twenty years begins acting out of character, the betrayal feels like a repudiation of the entire shared history, not just a single bad decision. The questions that follow are relentless. Was any of it real? How long has this been going on? Who is this person I have been living with?

This guide was written to answer those questions honestly and thoroughly. We cover what defines a midlife crisis affair, the warning signs that precede discovery, the psychological forces that drive the behavior, real-world scenarios, research findings, response strategies, and the conditions under which marriages can and do survive. Whether you are currently in the middle of this crisis or trying to understand what happened in your past, the information here is designed to give you clarity, direction, and a realistic sense of what comes next.

What Is a Midlife Crisis Affair

A midlife crisis affair is an extramarital relationship that occurs during a period of intense personal upheaval, typically between the ages of 40 and 60, when an individual is grappling with questions of identity, mortality, purpose, and unfulfilled desire. Unlike affairs driven purely by opportunity or chronic dissatisfaction, this kind of infidelity is deeply entangled with the individual's internal psychological state. The affair partner is not just a person. They become a symbol of everything the unfaithful spouse feels they have lost or never had.

The concept of the midlife crisis itself was first formally described by psychoanalyst Elliott Jaques in 1965. Jaques observed that many adults experience a period of profound psychological reckoning during middle age, when the reality of aging and mortality can no longer be ignored. For some individuals, this reckoning manifests as introspection, career changes, or renewed commitment to personal growth. For others, it manifests as impulsive, self-destructive behavior, and the affair is one of the most common expressions of that impulse.

What distinguishes this form of infidelity from other types is the context in which it occurs. The unfaithful partner is typically not someone with a history of cheating. They may have been devoted, reliable, and genuinely loving for years or even decades. The affair emerges not from a pattern of dishonesty but from a sudden and overwhelming sense that life is passing them by. They look in the mirror and do not recognize the person staring back. They feel trapped by the very stability they once worked so hard to create. And in that state of confusion, they reach for something, or someone, that makes them feel alive again.

In every midlife crisis affair we have observed, the affair partner represents qualities that the unfaithful spouse feels are missing from their life. If they feel old, the affair partner may be younger. If they feel boring, the affair partner may be adventurous. If they feel invisible, the affair partner may offer intense admiration. This is not a coincidence. It is a psychological pattern. The affair serves as a mirror that reflects back a version of the self that the person desperately wants to believe still exists. The other person is less a romantic interest and more a psychological prop in a private drama about aging, relevance, and the fear of running out of time.

It is important to note that a midlife crisis does not cause an affair in the way that a virus causes an infection. Millions of people experience midlife transitions without betraying their partners. The crisis creates vulnerability, but the decision to act on that vulnerability through infidelity is still a choice. Understanding the crisis context helps explain the behavior, but it does not remove responsibility from the person who made the choice. This is a distinction that matters, because the unfaithful partner will often attempt to use the crisis as a blanket justification, as though they were carried along by forces beyond their control. They were not. They made decisions at every stage, and each of those decisions could have gone differently.

In our work at PremiumPairing, we have observed that these affairs tend to follow a recognizable trajectory. There is an initial period of internal discontent that the unfaithful partner may not even fully understand themselves. This period can last months or even years before any external behavior changes. It is characterized by a growing sense of unease, restlessness, and the nagging feeling that something fundamental is missing. This is followed by withdrawal from the relationship, increased secrecy, personality changes, and eventually the affair itself. The affair often intensifies quickly because it is fueled by the desperate emotional energy of the crisis. And when it is eventually discovered or disclosed, the fallout is particularly severe because the betrayed partner has been watching their spouse transform into someone unrecognizable for weeks or months before the truth comes out.

One additional characteristic worth noting is the speed of emotional escalation. Because the unfaithful partner is in a heightened psychological state, they tend to fall into the affair with unusual intensity. What might develop slowly under normal circumstances accelerates dramatically when fueled by existential urgency. Within weeks, the unfaithful partner may believe they have found their "soulmate" or that the affair represents their "one chance at real happiness." This intensity is not evidence of genuine love. It is evidence of crisis-driven idealization, and it almost always fades once the crisis itself begins to resolve.

Warning Signs Your Partner Is Having a Midlife Crisis Affair

The warning signs typically emerge gradually and can be mistaken for stress, depression, or normal personality evolution. What makes these signs particularly difficult to interpret is that many of them, taken individually, could have innocent explanations. It is the pattern and accumulation of changes that signals something deeper. The following signs of a midlife crisis affair are the ones we encounter most frequently in our professional work with affected individuals.

Sudden Personality Changes and Emotional Withdrawal

Your partner begins acting in ways that seem fundamentally out of character. The person who never cared about fashion suddenly obsesses over their appearance. The introvert who preferred quiet evenings at home now craves social stimulation. The responsible parent who always prioritized family starts making impulsive decisions about money, career, or lifestyle. These are not gradual shifts. They happen quickly, often over a period of weeks rather than months, and they feel jarring to everyone who knows the person well.

Friends and family members may comment that your partner seems "different" or "not themselves." You may find yourself making excuses for the changes, telling people they are just going through a phase or dealing with work stress. But internally, you sense that something more fundamental has shifted. The person you married is being replaced by someone you do not fully recognize.

Alongside these personality changes, emotional withdrawal typically becomes evident. Your partner becomes less available for the ordinary moments of connection that sustain a relationship. Conversations become shorter and more superficial. Questions about their day are met with vague, deflecting answers. Physical affection decreases. They seem distracted during family activities, as though their mind is somewhere else entirely.

This withdrawal often precedes the physical affair itself. As the person begins to emotionally invest in someone new, they simultaneously disinvest from the existing relationship. They may not even be conscious of this shift at first. From your perspective, it feels like trying to connect with someone who keeps backing away. Every attempt to get closer is met with irritation, avoidance, or flat indifference. Over time, you may stop trying altogether, which creates exactly the distance the unfaithful partner uses to justify their behavior. The relationship feels cold, but they are the one who lowered the thermostat.

Increased Secrecy with Phone and Devices

Device behavior is one of the most reliable indicators. A partner who previously left their phone on the kitchen counter without a second thought now carries it everywhere. New passwords appear on devices that were previously unlocked. You notice that they angle their screen away when texting. Call logs and message threads are deleted. New apps appear that you have never seen before. The phone goes face-down on the table as a matter of habit. It accompanies them to the bathroom, the garage, and even across the room to retrieve something they could have asked you to grab.

When confronted about these changes, the response is typically defensive and disproportionate. "Why are you going through my phone?" replaces "Here, take a look." The defensiveness itself is a signal. People who have nothing to hide do not react to casual curiosity with anger or accusation. They react that way when there is something specific they are protecting. Pay attention to the gap between the question you asked and the intensity of the response you received. If the reaction is significantly larger than the provocation, there is a reason, and the reason is rarely that you are being too nosy.

New Obsession with Physical Appearance

A sudden and intense focus on physical appearance is a hallmark of infidelity during a midlife transition. Your partner may begin working out aggressively after years of minimal exercise. They may adopt a completely new wardrobe. Hair color changes. Grooming habits shift. They may start wearing cologne or perfume they have never worn before. Skincare products appear in the bathroom that you did not purchase. They spend more time in front of the mirror than they have in years, and the scrutiny is not casual. It is purposeful. These changes are not made for your benefit. When you compliment the new look, the response is dismissive or uncomfortable, because the effort is being directed toward impressing someone else.

This sign is particularly painful for the betrayed partner because it highlights a contrast that is impossible to miss. The person who stopped making an effort in the marriage years ago is suddenly investing enormous energy into their appearance, and that energy is clearly not aimed at reconnecting with you. The implicit message is devastating: someone else is worth the effort that you no longer are. This is not the truth of the situation, but it is how it feels, and the feeling is corrosive.

Increased Criticism of You and the Relationship

As infidelity develops in the context of a midlife crisis, the unfaithful partner often begins rewriting the narrative of the marriage. They need to justify what they are doing, and the most efficient way to do that is to convince themselves that the relationship was already broken beyond repair. This manifests as increased criticism of you, your habits, your personality, and the relationship itself. The criticism may focus on things that never bothered them before, or it may resurrect old issues that were resolved long ago.

Comments that were once minor observations become pointed attacks. "You never want to do anything fun" becomes a frequent refrain. "We have grown apart" is presented as an established fact rather than a feeling to be explored. They may bring up resentments from years ago with sudden intensity, as though these issues had been burning the entire time when, in reality, they are being excavated to serve the current narrative. This rewriting of history is a defense mechanism. If the marriage was already terrible, then the affair is not a betrayal but an escape. The unfaithful partner needs this story to be true, and they will selectively recall evidence that supports it while ignoring everything that contradicts it.

In our professional experience, this pattern of retrospective justification is one of the most reliable indicators that an affair is already underway. A partner who is genuinely unhappy in the marriage but not yet involved with someone else will typically express their dissatisfaction differently. They will bring up specific, current issues and express a desire for change. They will seek couples counseling or suggest conversations about the relationship. They will frame the problem as something to be solved together. A partner who is already in an affair frames the marriage as a problem that has already been solved, by someone else.

Unexplained Absences, Schedule Changes, and Financial Irregularities

Time needs to come from somewhere. An affair requires hours that were previously accounted for, which means your partner's schedule will change. Work suddenly demands more late nights. Business trips become more frequent. New hobbies or social commitments appear that conveniently place your partner out of the house during evenings and weekends. The explanations for these absences are plausible enough on their own, but they do not hold up under scrutiny.

You may notice that the details of these explanations are inconsistent. A work dinner that was supposedly at one restaurant turns out to have been at another. A gym session that allegedly lasted two hours does not match the absence of sweat or a change of clothes. A conference in another city does not produce the photos, anecdotes, or name-dropped colleagues that business travel normally generates. These small inconsistencies accumulate, and your instinct tells you something is wrong even when you cannot point to a single definitive piece of evidence. Trust your instinct. Research on intuitive threat detection suggests that people are often aware of deception before they can consciously articulate why.

Financial irregularities accompany the schedule changes. Affairs cost money. Dinners, hotel rooms, gifts, and travel all leave financial traces. A partner engaged in infidelity may open new credit cards, withdraw cash more frequently, or redirect spending in ways that do not align with the household budget. You may notice unfamiliar charges on shared accounts, or conversely, a sudden insistence on separating finances that were previously combined. In some cases, the financial impact is significant. We have worked with clients whose partners spent thousands of dollars on the affair before it was discovered. The financial betrayal compounds the emotional betrayal, adding a layer of practical damage to an already devastating situation.

Existential Preoccupation and Mood Volatility

The midlife crisis component often manifests as a preoccupation with large existential questions. Your partner may begin talking about mortality, legacy, unfulfilled dreams, or the fear that they have "settled" for a life that does not reflect who they really are. They may romanticize their past or express envy toward people who have made different life choices. Books about self-discovery, freedom, or "starting over" may appear on the nightstand. Podcasts about living authentically replace the sports or news content they used to consume. They speak with a new urgency about experiences they want to have, places they want to visit, and versions of themselves they want to become.

These conversations can be disorienting because the questions themselves are not unreasonable. Everyone wrestles with these themes at various points in life. What distinguishes the midlife crisis version is the urgency and the underlying implication that the current life, including the marriage, is the obstacle standing between them and fulfillment. You are being cast as the anchor that holds them back rather than the partner who walks beside them.

The internal conflict of maintaining an affair while living a double life produces significant emotional instability on top of this existential intensity. Your partner may swing between guilt-driven affection and cold distance within the same day. Moments of inexplicable tenderness are followed by sudden irritability. They may cry without explanation or become angry at minor provocations. You may receive a loving text message in the afternoon and be met with hostility when they walk through the door three hours later. This emotional volatility is the visible surface of an internal war between the person they have always been and the person they are becoming through the affair. It is exhausting for them and devastating for you.

Loss of Interest in Shared Future Planning

Perhaps the most telling sign is a withdrawal from conversations about the future. A partner who once eagerly discussed retirement plans, travel goals, or family milestones suddenly becomes evasive when these topics arise. "We will figure it out later" replaces genuine engagement. They may resist making long-term commitments such as renewing a lease, booking a vacation, or making major purchases together. A home renovation project that was scheduled for spring is suddenly "not the right time." An anniversary trip is met with reasons to postpone.

This reluctance signals that they are no longer certain the shared future will exist. They cannot commit to a plan that extends years into the future because they are not sure they will be in the marriage years from now. The ambiguity feels protective to them, preserving their options while they figure out what they want. To you, it feels like standing on shifting sand. The life you thought you were building together is suddenly provisional, contingent on a decision your partner has not yet made and may not share with you until it is already done.

The Psychology Behind Midlife Crisis Affairs

These affairs are driven by a convergence of psychological forces including identity disruption, mortality awareness, narcissistic injury, and the activation of unresolved attachment wounds from earlier in life. Understanding these forces does not excuse the behavior, but it illuminates why otherwise decent people make choices that seem incomprehensible from the outside.

Identity Disruption and the Loss of Self

Erik Erikson's model of psychosocial development identifies midlife as the stage of "generativity versus stagnation." During this period, adults evaluate whether their lives have been meaningful and productive. For some, this evaluation reveals a painful gap between who they thought they would become and who they actually are. The career they chose out of obligation rather than passion. The creative ambitions they abandoned. The version of themselves they sacrificed to be a reliable partner and parent. The dreams that were deferred so many times they eventually became invisible.

When this gap becomes too large to ignore, the resulting identity crisis can be profound. The person feels alienated from their own life. They go through the motions of work, parenting, and partnership, but none of it feels authentic. The affair becomes an attempt to recover a sense of self that feels lost. In the arms of someone new, they can briefly be whoever they want to be, unburdened by the accumulated compromises and disappointments of their actual history. The affair partner does not know the person they were for twenty years. They only know the person presenting themselves right now, which gives the unfaithful partner the intoxicating illusion of a fresh start.

This identity disruption also explains why the personality changes are so dramatic. The unfaithful partner is not just having an affair. They are trying on an entirely new identity. The new clothes, the new music, the new social circle, the new philosophies about life, these are not organic changes. They are costume changes in a performance directed by desperation. The person is trying to prove, mostly to themselves, that they are still capable of growth, excitement, and transformation. The tragedy is that genuine growth does not require destroying everything you have already built. But in the grip of the crisis, that distinction is lost.

Mortality Awareness and the Urgency to Act

Middle age is often the first time a person truly confronts the reality that their life is finite. Parents die. Friends receive serious medical diagnoses. Physical decline becomes undeniable. The face in the mirror reveals lines that were not there five years ago. The body protests in ways it never did before. The future, which once felt infinite, suddenly has a visible horizon. This awareness creates a sense of urgency that can override otherwise sound judgment.

The thought pattern runs something like this: "If this is the only life I get, am I really going to spend the rest of it feeling this way?" The affair becomes an answer to that question, a desperate grab at vitality before it is too late. Research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology has shown that mortality salience, the acute awareness of one's own death, significantly increases impulsive and sensation-seeking behavior, particularly in individuals who feel their current life lacks meaning.

This urgency is compounded by the cultural narrative that life is supposed to be exciting, passionate, and constantly fulfilling. Social media amplifies this message relentlessly. Every scroll reveals someone else living their best life, traveling to extraordinary places, pursuing their passions, and radiating happiness. The person in crisis compares their ordinary Tuesday, their cluttered kitchen, their routine marriage, to these curated highlights, and the gap feels unbearable. The affair promises to close that gap. It rarely does, but the promise itself is powerful enough to override years of established values and commitments.

Narcissistic Injury, Aging, and Attachment Wounds

For individuals whose self-worth is closely tied to physical attractiveness, professional status, or the admiration of others, the natural process of aging can feel like a narcissistic injury. The body changes. Career advancement plateaus. The social currency they relied on begins to depreciate. The affair partner, especially one who is younger or who offers intense admiration, serves as a temporary antidote to this wound. The attention validates what the aging process seems to deny: that they are still desirable, still relevant, still capable of inspiring passion.

This dynamic is not limited to one gender. Both men and women can experience this form of narcissistic crisis, though the specific triggers may differ. Men may be more affected by career stagnation and physical decline. Women may be more affected by cultural messages about aging and desirability. In both cases, the affair is less about the other person and more about what the other person represents: proof that the self they valued most has not yet expired.

Layered beneath the narcissistic injury are attachment patterns that were established decades earlier. Individuals with anxious or avoidant attachment styles may have managed those tendencies successfully during the early and middle years of their marriage, when the relationship was novel enough to keep the attachment system engaged. But as the relationship settles into routine and the excitement of new love fades, old attachment wounds resurface with surprising force.

The avoidantly attached person feels suffocated by intimacy and seeks distance through the affair. The relationship itself becomes the threat, and the affair provides escape. The anxiously attached person feels unseen or unappreciated and seeks validation from a new source. They are not running from the marriage so much as running toward someone who makes them feel wanted in a way the familiar partner no longer does. In both cases, the midlife crisis provides the catalyst, but the underlying vulnerability was present long before. Therapy research consistently shows that addressing these attachment patterns is essential for any lasting recovery, whether the couple stays together or separates.

The Role of Relationship Complacency

Long-term relationships are vulnerable to complacency. The effort that both partners invested during courtship and the early years gradually diminishes as the relationship becomes the background of daily life rather than its centerpiece. Date nights stop happening. Physical intimacy becomes routine or infrequent. Conversations about dreams and desires are replaced by conversations about logistics and schedules. Neither partner is necessarily unhappy, but the relationship has lost the vitality that once made it feel irreplaceable. It has become, in a word, comfortable. And comfort, while valuable, is not the same as fulfillment.

When a midlife crisis disrupts the complacency, the unfaithful partner experiences a stark contrast between the flatness of the marriage and the intoxicating intensity of new attraction. This contrast is fundamentally misleading, because the intensity of a new affair cannot be fairly compared to the steady warmth of a long-term partnership. The affair exists in a bubble: no bills, no children, no mundane responsibilities, no history of compromise and disappointment. It is a relationship without consequences, and that makes it feel euphoric. But the euphoria is an artifact of the context, not evidence of superior compatibility. Once the affair moves out of the bubble and into real life, it typically loses the very quality that made it feel so compelling.

In the emotional state of the crisis, however, the comparison feels devastating, and the marriage appears to be the problem rather than the crisis itself. The unfaithful partner convinces themselves that they settled, that they married the wrong person, that the passion they feel with the affair partner is what love was supposed to feel like all along. These conclusions feel real in the moment. They are almost always wrong. But the conviction is strong enough to drive decisions that alter the course of multiple lives.

Real Stories of Midlife Crisis Affairs

The following scenarios are composites drawn from common patterns we observe in our professional work. Names and identifying details have been changed to protect privacy, but the emotional dynamics are authentic.

Scenario One: The Devoted Father Who Disappeared

James and Laura had been married for eighteen years. They had three children, a mortgage, and the kind of partnership that neighbors envied. James coached his son's baseball team, attended every school event, and had never given Laura any reason to doubt his commitment. Then, at forty-four, everything changed.

It started with the gym. James joined a CrossFit box and began training five mornings a week before work. Laura was supportive at first, glad to see him taking care of his health. But the workouts led to a new social circle, which led to after-gym coffees, which led to weekend events that did not include the family. James bought new clothes. He started listening to music Laura had never heard of. He grew irritable when she asked about his day and dismissive when she suggested family activities. Within three months, the man Laura had married was virtually unrecognizable.

The affair was with a woman ten years his junior who trained at the same gym. When Laura discovered the text messages, James initially denied everything. Then he minimized it. Then he said the marriage had been "dead for years," a claim that blindsided Laura because she had believed they were genuinely happy. The most painful part, Laura told us, was not the affair itself. It was the realization that James had been building an entirely separate life for months while sitting across from her at the dinner table every evening, pretending everything was normal. He had looked her in the eyes and lied, not once but hundreds of times, and she had believed him every single time.

What Laura did not know at the time was that James's father had been diagnosed with early-stage dementia six months before the affair began. James had not told anyone about the diagnosis, including Laura. The confrontation with his father's mortality, and the terrifying glimpse of his own potential future, had triggered a crisis that James had no tools to process. The affair was his escape, not from the marriage, but from a reality he could not face.

Scenario Two: The Empty Nest Catalyst

Margaret and David's youngest child left for university in September. Margaret had anticipated the adjustment. She had prepared herself for the quiet house, the end of the daily parenting routine, the shift in identity from full-time mother to something else. What she had not anticipated was how profoundly the emptiness would affect her. For twenty-two years, her children had been the organizing principle of her life. Without them, she felt purposeless, invisible, and desperately restless. The house that had always felt too small now felt enormous. The silence was deafening.

David, who was deeply absorbed in a demanding career, did not notice the depth of Margaret's struggle. He assumed she would fill the time with hobbies, friendships, and perhaps a return to the career she had paused decades earlier. He did not realize that Margaret was asking herself a much larger question: who am I, apart from being a wife and mother? And he certainly did not realize how urgently she needed that question answered.

The affair began with a reconnection on social media. A college boyfriend reached out after seeing a mutual friend's post. The conversations started innocently, filled with nostalgia and shared memories of a time when Margaret felt independent, adventurous, and full of possibility. Within weeks, the emotional affair became physical. Margaret described the experience as feeling like she had been "asleep for twenty years and finally woke up." The affair was not really about the other man. It was about the version of herself she had buried when she became a mother, and the terror of confronting the second half of her life without a clear sense of who that person was.

When David eventually discovered the affair through a phone bill he happened to review, he was devastated. But he was also shocked to learn how lonely Margaret had been, for how long, and how thoroughly he had failed to notice. Their recovery, which eventually succeeded, required David to acknowledge his own contribution to the emotional vacuum that had made Margaret so vulnerable. The affair was still Margaret's choice and Margaret's responsibility. But the conditions that enabled it were co-created.

Scenario Three: The Career Plateau and the Younger Colleague

Robert had spent twenty-five years climbing the corporate ladder. By fifty-one, he had reached a senior position that paid well but offered no further advancement. The work that had once challenged him now felt repetitive. Younger colleagues were being promoted around him, and while Robert was respected, he sensed that the organization viewed him as a competent placeholder rather than a future leader. The realization that his professional trajectory had peaked, combined with his father's recent death, triggered what Robert later described as "a complete unraveling."

He began mentoring a junior colleague, a thirty-two-year-old woman who admired his experience and sought his guidance. The mentorship gradually shifted into emotional intimacy, then into a full affair. Robert told himself that the relationship made him feel valued in a way his marriage no longer did. His wife, Sandra, had her own career and friendships. Their relationship was functional but lacked passion. The younger colleague made Robert feel like the most important person in the room, a feeling he had not experienced in years. She laughed at his stories. She asked for his advice. She looked at him the way Sandra had looked at him twenty years ago, before the mortgage and the school pickups and the slow accumulation of ordinary disappointments.

When the affair was discovered through a hotel receipt left in a jacket pocket, Robert was simultaneously relieved and terrified. The double life had been exhausting. But facing Sandra's devastation forced him to confront what he had done, not just to his marriage, but to a young colleague whose career he had jeopardized with the entanglement. The affair had solved nothing. His father was still gone. His career had still plateaued. And now the one relationship that had been genuinely stable, his marriage, was in ruins. Robert told us months later that the hardest realization was not that the affair was wrong. He had always known that. The hardest realization was that the affair had been completely unnecessary. Everything he had been searching for, meaning, validation, a renewed sense of purpose, had been available to him through honest means. He had simply been too deep in the crisis to see it.

What Research Says About Midlife Infidelity

Research consistently shows that midlife infidelity is not a random event but a predictable response to specific psychological and relational conditions that converge during the middle decades of life. While no study can excuse individual choices, the data offers valuable insight into who is most at risk and why.

The General Social Survey, conducted by the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago, has tracked infidelity rates in the United States for decades. Their data indicates that infidelity peaks among men in their 50s and among women in their 40s. Approximately 20 percent of men and 13 percent of women report having engaged in extramarital sex at some point during their marriage. These figures are widely considered to be underestimates, given the stigma associated with admitting infidelity even in anonymous surveys. Adjusted estimates from researchers who account for underreporting place the true figure closer to 25 percent for men and 15 percent for women.

A landmark study by Atkins, Baucom, and Jacobson published in the Journal of Family Psychology identified several factors that significantly increase the risk of infidelity during midlife. These include low relationship satisfaction, high opportunity through work or social environments, a history of insecure attachment, and the presence of a personal crisis such as job loss, health concerns, or the death of a parent. Notably, the study found that the combination of relationship dissatisfaction and personal crisis was a stronger predictor than either factor alone. This finding is critical because it suggests that infidelity during midlife is not caused by any single factor but by the interaction between personal vulnerability and relationship conditions.

"Infidelity at midlife is rarely about the marriage alone or the individual alone. It is about the collision between the two. A person experiencing an identity crisis within a relationship that has lost its emotional vitality is in the highest risk category for extramarital involvement." — Dr. Shirley Glass, NOT "Just Friends"

Research by Dr. Helen Fisher at the Kinsey Institute has explored the neurochemistry of infidelity and found that the brain systems involved in romantic love, specifically the dopamine-driven reward circuits, can be activated independently of the attachment systems that sustain long-term partnerships. This means it is neurologically possible to feel deeply attached to a spouse while simultaneously experiencing the intense romantic attraction associated with a new affair partner. The brain does not force a person to choose one over the other. It allows both to coexist, which explains why many unfaithful partners genuinely believe they still love their spouse even while deeply involved with someone else. This neurological reality makes the situation more confusing for everyone involved, but it also suggests that love for the spouse has not necessarily died, even when behavior suggests otherwise.

A 2019 study published in Evolutionary Behavioral Sciences examined gender differences in midlife affair motivations. The findings suggested that men were more likely to cite sexual dissatisfaction and novelty-seeking as primary motivators, while women were more likely to cite emotional neglect, feeling undervalued, and the desire for deeper emotional connection. Both genders, however, reported that the affair made them feel "more alive" and "more like their true selves," suggesting that identity recovery is a central motivation regardless of gender. This convergence across genders is important because it points to a shared human vulnerability rather than a gender-specific weakness.

Additional research from the Institute for Family Studies found that the risk of infidelity increases with relationship duration, peaking between the 10th and 20th year of marriage. This timing aligns perfectly with the midlife window, creating a compounding effect. The person is simultaneously experiencing a personal identity crisis and living in a relationship that has had the most time to settle into complacency. The long-married couple at midlife occupies the most vulnerable position on both axes, which is why the midlife crisis affair is so disproportionately common in this demographic.

Perhaps the most important finding from the research literature is that affairs begun during a midlife crisis have a relatively low success rate as long-term relationships. Studies tracking couples who left their marriages for affair partners found that fewer than 25 percent of those new relationships survived beyond three years. The intensity that fuels the affair is often unsustainable once the relationship moves out of secrecy and into the ordinary demands of daily life. The affair partner, who once represented freedom and excitement, becomes another person with needs, expectations, and flaws. The very qualities that made the affair partner seem like an escape from the mundane eventually become mundane themselves. This is not cynicism. It is the predictable outcome of building a relationship on crisis-driven idealization rather than genuine compatibility.

How to Respond When Your Partner Has a Midlife Crisis Affair

Your response in the first days and weeks after discovering infidelity during a midlife crisis will shape the trajectory of everything that follows, including whether the marriage can be repaired and how quickly you begin your own recovery. There is no single correct response, but there are approaches that consistently lead to better outcomes and approaches that consistently make things worse.

Allow Yourself to Feel Without Acting Impulsively

The initial shock of discovering an affair triggers a physiological stress response. Your body floods with cortisol and adrenaline. Your heart races. Your thoughts spiral. Sleep becomes impossible or fitful. Appetite disappears or becomes erratic. You may experience intrusive images, replaying scenarios in your mind with obsessive detail. In this state, you are neurologically incapable of making sound long-term decisions. The most important thing you can do in the first 48 to 72 hours is give yourself permission to feel the full weight of what has happened without making any irreversible decisions.

This does not mean suppressing your emotions. Cry. Be angry. Say the things that need to be said. But avoid filing for divorce, changing the locks, or confronting the affair partner during the acute phase of the shock response. These actions may feel satisfying in the moment, but they can complicate your options later. You will have time to make every one of those decisions with a clear head. Right now, your only job is to survive the initial impact. Write down your thoughts if it helps. Call a trusted friend at three in the morning if you need to. But hold off on permanent decisions until the neurological storm passes, which typically takes several days to a week.

Secure Your Practical Foundations

Once the initial shock begins to stabilize, take practical steps to protect yourself. This includes reviewing shared financial accounts, documenting any evidence of the affair if you believe it may be relevant to future legal proceedings, and ensuring you have access to all important personal documents including identification, insurance policies, and financial records. These steps are not about preparing for war. They are about ensuring that you have options regardless of how the situation unfolds. Knowledge is leverage, and you want to have it even if you never need to use it.

If you have children, prioritize their emotional stability. They do not need to know the details of the affair, but they will sense the tension in the household. Provide age-appropriate reassurance and maintain their routines as much as possible. Children who feel secure during a family crisis recover more quickly than children who are exposed to adult conflict. Shield them from arguments. Do not speak negatively about their other parent in their presence. Your children's relationship with each parent is separate from the marital conflict, and protecting that relationship is one of the most important things you can do during this period.

Establish Boundaries and Resist the Urge to Compete

You are entitled to set clear conditions for continued engagement with your partner. If they want the opportunity to repair the marriage, the first non-negotiable condition is the complete and immediate end of the affair. This means no contact with the affair partner, not in person, not by phone, not by text, and not through social media. Half measures are unacceptable. A partner who agrees to "just be friends" with the person they had an affair with is not committed to repair. They are hedging, and hedging is incompatible with rebuilding trust.

Additional boundaries may include full transparency with devices and accounts, a commitment to individual and couples therapy, and honest answers to your questions about the affair. You get to decide what you need to feel safe enough to consider rebuilding. Your partner does not get to dictate the terms of their own accountability. If they protest that your requirements are "too much" or "controlling," that tells you something important about their readiness to do the work of repair.

One of the most common and most counterproductive responses to discovering an affair is the impulse to compete with the affair partner. You may feel driven to lose weight, change your appearance, become more sexually available, or otherwise "win" your partner back by proving you are better than the other person. This approach is both degrading and ineffective. You should not have to audition for a role you already earned through years of commitment and partnership. The affair is not evidence that you are inadequate. It is evidence that your partner made a destructive choice during a period of personal crisis. The competition framework gives your partner all the power and reduces you to a contestant in a game you did not agree to play. Refuse the frame entirely.

Seek Individual Support Before Couples Therapy

While couples therapy is often essential for recovery, most therapists recommend that the betrayed partner begin with individual therapy first. You need a space where the focus is entirely on your experience, your emotions, and your needs, without the complicating presence of the person who caused the pain. Individual therapy helps you process the trauma, assess your own wants and limits, and enter couples therapy from a position of clarity rather than desperation.

If individual therapy is not immediately accessible, confide in one or two trusted people who can provide emotional support without escalating the situation. Choose people who will listen without rushing to judgment, because you need space to think, not pressure to act. Avoid confiding in large groups, posting on social media, or telling family members who will not be able to forgive your partner even if you eventually do. The people you bring into this crisis will shape how it unfolds, so choose carefully.

It is also worth noting that your physical health deserves attention during this period. Betrayal trauma has real physiological effects: elevated cortisol levels, disrupted sleep, weakened immune function, and cardiovascular strain. Eat even when you are not hungry. Sleep even when your mind races. Move your body even when you feel paralyzed. These are not luxuries. They are necessities that will affect your ability to think clearly and make sound decisions in the weeks and months ahead.

Can a Marriage Survive a Midlife Crisis Affair

Yes, many marriages survive, but survival requires specific conditions, sustained effort from both partners, and a willingness to build something new rather than return to what existed before. The marriages that recover are not the ones that pretend the affair never happened. They are the ones that use the crisis as a catalyst for honest reckoning with everything that was wrong, on both sides, before the betrayal occurred.

Research by Dr. John Gottman at the Gottman Institute suggests that approximately 50 to 60 percent of couples who enter therapy after infidelity remain together, and a meaningful percentage of those couples report that their relationship ultimately became stronger than it was before the affair. This counterintuitive finding makes sense when you consider that the affair, while devastating, often forces conversations that should have happened years earlier. Issues that were buried under routine and avoidance are suddenly exposed, and the couple must decide whether to address them honestly or allow the relationship to end.

The conditions for successful recovery are well documented. The unfaithful partner must take full responsibility for the affair without blaming the marriage, the betrayed spouse, or the crisis. They must demonstrate genuine remorse, not just guilt about being caught, but authentic grief over the harm they have caused. They must be willing to answer the betrayed partner's questions honestly, repeatedly, and patiently, even when the questions are painful and even when the same questions are asked multiple times. Transparency is not optional. It is the foundation on which every other element of recovery depends.

The betrayed partner, in turn, must eventually be willing to consider the possibility of forgiveness, though not on any externally imposed timeline. Forgiveness in this context does not mean condoning the behavior or pretending it did not matter. It means choosing, over time, to release the affair as the defining feature of the relationship. This is extraordinarily difficult, and it cannot be rushed. Partners who are pressured to forgive before they are ready often experience a resurgence of anger and resentment that derails the recovery. Genuine forgiveness is a process that unfolds over months and years, not a decision that can be made in a single conversation.

"The goal of recovery after an affair is not to restore the old marriage. That marriage is gone. The goal is to build a new one, with the same partner, informed by everything both people have learned through the crisis." — Esther Perel, The State of Affairs

Several factors predict whether a particular couple will successfully navigate this process. Couples with a strong pre-affair foundation, meaning years of genuine friendship, respect, and shared values, tend to fare better than couples whose relationship was already significantly deteriorated. The length of the affair matters considerably. Brief affairs are generally easier to recover from than long-term double lives that involved systematic deception over months or years. The presence of children can be both a motivator for recovery and a complicating factor, depending on the family dynamics and the ages of the children involved.

The quality of the therapeutic relationship also matters enormously. Couples who work with a therapist specifically trained in infidelity recovery, such as those using the Gottman Trust Revival Method or Emotionally Focused Therapy, consistently report better outcomes than couples who work with general practice therapists without specialized training in this area. Infidelity recovery is a subspecialty, and the skills required to navigate it effectively are distinct from those needed for general couples work.

Ultimately, the question is not whether marriages can survive these crises in general. They can. The question is whether your specific marriage, with your specific circumstances, has the raw materials for rebuilding. That is a question best explored with professional guidance, which we discuss in the next section.

When Professional Support Is Needed

Professional support is not just helpful after this kind of affair. It is nearly always essential. The emotional, psychological, and practical complexities of this situation exceed what most individuals and couples can navigate on their own, regardless of how intelligent, self-aware, or determined they may be. Seeking help is not a sign of weakness. It is a recognition that the problem is bigger than any single person's ability to solve it alone.

There are several scenarios in which professional support becomes particularly urgent. If you are experiencing symptoms of acute trauma, such as intrusive thoughts, inability to sleep, panic attacks, or a sense of emotional numbness, you should seek therapy immediately. These are normal responses to betrayal, but they require professional attention to prevent them from becoming chronic conditions. Post-infidelity stress disorder is a recognized clinical phenomenon, and it responds well to structured therapeutic intervention when addressed promptly.

If your partner is still actively in the affair and refuses to end it, a professional can help you assess your options, establish boundaries, and develop a plan that protects your wellbeing regardless of your partner's choices. If your partner has ended the affair and both of you want to attempt recovery, a therapist trained in infidelity-specific approaches such as the Gottman Trust Revival Method or Emotionally Focused Therapy can provide the structured support that significantly improves the odds of successful rebuilding.

At PremiumPairing, we provide confidential, professional guidance for individuals navigating infidelity and relationship crises. Our services are designed to give you clarity and direction during a time when both feel impossible to find on your own. You can explore our service options or reach out directly for a confidential consultation. We also offer specialized support across a range of relationship topics that may be relevant to your situation.

Whether you choose to work with us or seek support elsewhere, the important thing is that you do not try to handle this alone. The research is clear: individuals and couples who engage professional support after infidelity consistently report better outcomes than those who attempt to manage the crisis independently. The investment in professional help is not just an investment in your relationship. It is an investment in your own mental health, your children's stability, and your ability to move forward with clarity regardless of the outcome.

Midlife Crisis Affair vs. Deliberate Infidelity

While all affairs involve a breach of trust, there are meaningful differences between a crisis-driven affair and deliberate, pattern-based infidelity. Understanding these differences can help you evaluate your specific situation and make more informed decisions about how to respond. The following table outlines the key distinctions.

Factor	Crisis-Driven Affair	Deliberate Infidelity
Trigger	Identity crisis, mortality awareness, existential anxiety	Opportunity, entitlement, chronic dissatisfaction
History	Typically no prior pattern of cheating	Often part of a repeated pattern
Personality Change	Dramatic and sudden shift in behavior and identity	Behavior is consistent with established character
Emotional State	Confusion, desperation, internal conflict	Calculated, compartmentalized, controlled
Attitude Toward Spouse	Ambivalent; may still love the spouse	Indifferent or contemptuous toward the spouse
Remorse After Discovery	Often genuine, though may take time to surface	Minimal or performative; focused on consequences
Affair Duration	Tends to be intense but relatively short-lived	Can persist for years with careful management
Underlying Need	Identity recovery, feeling alive and relevant	Ego gratification, power, variety
Recovery Potential	Higher, especially with therapy and genuine effort	Lower, particularly if pattern is established
Risk of Recurrence	Lower if the underlying crisis is addressed	Higher due to ingrained behavioral pattern

It is important to emphasize that this distinction is not about assigning moral weight. Both types of affairs cause real harm to real people. The distinction matters because it affects the prognosis. An affair committed during a genuine crisis by a person with no prior history of infidelity, who demonstrates genuine remorse and willingness to do the work of recovery, has a meaningfully different trajectory than serial infidelity committed by a person who feels entitled to extramarital relationships. If you are trying to decide whether your marriage is worth fighting for, this distinction is one of several factors worth considering.

There are also gray areas that the table does not capture. Some individuals have personality characteristics that make them more vulnerable to crisis-driven behavior, such as narcissistic traits or a long-standing pattern of avoiding difficult emotions. In these cases, the affair may be crisis-triggered but personality-enabled, which complicates both the diagnosis and the prognosis. A thorough assessment by a trained professional is the most reliable way to determine which category your situation falls into.

For additional context on how affairs unfold and what the early recovery process looks like, we recommend reading our guide on what happens in the first 90 days of affair recovery. Understanding the timeline can help you calibrate your expectations and avoid the common mistake of expecting resolution before the healing process has truly begun.

Frequently Asked Questions

How long does a midlife crisis affair typically last?

Most affairs in this category last between six months and two years, though the range varies considerably depending on individual circumstances. Affairs that are fueled primarily by the crisis itself tend to burn out once the crisis begins to resolve, either through therapy, natural maturation, or the collapse of the fantasy. Affairs that continue beyond two years often indicate that the motivations extend beyond the crisis and involve deeper relational or characterological issues. The duration also depends on whether the affair is discovered. Discovery typically accelerates the resolution in one direction or the other. It is worth noting that even after the physical affair ends, the emotional aftermath for the betrayed partner can persist for years, which is why professional support during recovery is so valuable.

Is a midlife crisis affair always about sex?

No. Many of these affairs are primarily emotional rather than sexual, especially in the early stages. The unfaithful partner is often seeking emotional validation, admiration, a sense of being truly seen, and the excitement of new emotional intimacy more than they are seeking sexual novelty. In our experience, even in affairs that include a sexual component, the emotional dimension is usually the more powerful driver. The person is trying to feel alive, relevant, and desired, and while sex can provide that feeling, it is rarely the core need being addressed. For more on this distinction, see our article on emotional affairs and when friendship crosses the line.

Can you prevent a midlife crisis affair?

You cannot prevent your partner from making destructive choices. That responsibility belongs entirely to them. However, research suggests that couples who maintain ongoing emotional intimacy, continue to invest in the relationship, communicate openly about their individual needs and fears, and address problems as they arise rather than allowing resentment to accumulate are significantly less likely to experience infidelity at any stage of life. Regular check-ins about the state of the relationship, continued physical affection, shared experiences that create new memories, and a willingness to grow together rather than merely coexist all serve as protective factors. None of these guarantees immunity, but they substantially reduce risk. Think of it as preventive maintenance for the relationship, the same way regular exercise does not guarantee you will never get sick, but it significantly improves your odds.

Should I confront the affair partner, and does this mean my partner never loved me?

In most cases, confronting the affair partner is inadvisable. It rarely produces the result you are hoping for and frequently makes the situation worse. It can create a dramatic scene that pushes your partner further toward the other person. It can expose you to legal liability if the confrontation becomes heated. It gives the affair partner information and attention they do not deserve. And it shifts the focus away from where it belongs, which is on your partner and the choices they made. Your issue is with your partner, not with the other person. Focus your energy accordingly. The exception is if the affair partner is someone in your social or professional circle whose continued presence creates an unavoidable practical problem that needs to be addressed directly.

As for whether the affair means your partner never loved you, the answer is almost always no. This is one of the most painful assumptions the betrayed partner makes, and it is almost always incorrect. This type of affair typically occurs not because the person stopped loving their partner but because they are experiencing a crisis of identity that temporarily overwhelms their capacity for sound judgment. The affair is about their internal turmoil, not about your value or the legitimacy of the love you shared. Many unfaithful partners report that they continued to love their spouse throughout the affair, which is precisely why they experienced such intense guilt and internal conflict. This does not reduce the harm of the betrayal, but it does challenge the narrative that the entire relationship was a lie. The love was real. The crisis was also real. And the two coexisted in a way that the unfaithful partner was unable to reconcile without causing enormous damage.

What is the difference between a midlife crisis and a midlife transition, and how do I know if the affair is truly crisis-driven?

A midlife transition is a normal, healthy process of reassessing priorities, values, and goals during the middle decades of life. Nearly everyone goes through some version of this. It is a natural developmental stage that can lead to positive changes in career, relationships, health, and personal growth. A midlife crisis occurs when this transition becomes overwhelming and the individual responds with impulsive, self-destructive, or out-of-character behavior. Not every midlife transition becomes a crisis, and not every crisis leads to an affair. The crisis label applies when the person's response to the transition causes significant disruption to their own life and the lives of those around them. Affairs, reckless spending, sudden career abandonment, and extreme personality changes are hallmarks of the crisis version.

To determine whether your partner's affair is genuinely crisis-driven, look at the broader context. A genuine crisis-driven affair is typically accompanied by other signs of identity disruption: personality changes, existential questioning, mood instability, changes in interests and priorities, and a general sense that the person is "not themselves." If the affair is the only thing that has changed, if your partner's personality, interests, and behavior are otherwise consistent, the midlife crisis explanation may be a convenient excuse rather than a genuine explanation. Additionally, a person in a genuine crisis is usually visibly struggling, not smoothly managing a double life. Serial cheaters tend to be skilled at compartmentalization. People in genuine crisis tend to be visibly falling apart. The distinction matters for prognosis, and a trained therapist can help you evaluate which pattern your situation reflects.

Should I tell my children about the affair?

This depends on the ages of your children and the specifics of the situation. Young children should be protected from the details of the affair entirely. They need to know that their parents are going through a difficult time, that both parents love them, and that the situation is not their fault. Adolescents and adult children may need more information, particularly if the affair has led to visible household disruption or a separation. However, children of any age should never be used as allies, confidants, or messengers. They should not be asked to take sides. If you are uncertain about how much to share, consult a family therapist before having the conversation. Getting it right matters enormously for your children's long-term emotional health.

What if my partner refuses to end the affair, and how long does recovery take?

A partner who refuses to end the affair is making a clear statement about their priorities. While you cannot control their choices, you can control your response. If your partner will not end the affair, you should shift your focus from saving the marriage to protecting yourself. This means consulting with a family lawyer to understand your legal options, securing your financial position, arranging individual therapy to process the ongoing trauma, and establishing a living arrangement that does not require you to coexist with active betrayal. Sometimes, the act of clearly and calmly communicating your boundaries, including the possibility of ending the marriage, prompts the unfaithful partner to reconsider. But you should not set a boundary as a bluff. Only communicate consequences you are genuinely prepared to follow through on. A boundary without enforcement is a suggestion, and suggestions do not stop affairs.

If your partner does end the affair and both of you commit to recovery, the timeline is longer than most people expect. Most research and clinical experience suggests that meaningful healing requires a minimum of one to two years, and full recovery, defined as the point where the affair no longer dominates daily thoughts and emotions, often takes three to five years. This is not a comfortable timeline, but it is an honest one. Recovery is not linear. There will be periods of progress followed by setbacks, particularly around anniversary dates, triggers, and new disclosures. Couples who stick with therapy and maintain honest communication throughout this period have the best outcomes. Rushing the process, or pretending the healing is complete before it actually is, typically leads to relapse. Patience during recovery is not weakness. It is strategy.

Key Takeaways

• A midlife crisis affair is driven by identity disruption, mortality awareness, and existential anxiety, not simply by attraction to another person. The affair partner typically represents qualities the unfaithful spouse feels they have lost or never fully developed.
• Warning signs include sudden personality changes, emotional withdrawal, device secrecy, appearance obsession, increased criticism of the marriage, and unexplained absences. The pattern matters more than any single sign taken in isolation.
• The psychology involves identity crisis, narcissistic injury from aging, unresolved attachment wounds, and relationship complacency. Understanding these forces helps explain the behavior without excusing it and informs the approach to recovery.
• Research shows that midlife infidelity peaks in the 40s and 50s and is predicted by a combination of personal crisis and relationship dissatisfaction. Affairs driven by crisis have higher recovery potential than pattern-based infidelity.
• Your initial response should prioritize emotional processing, practical protection, and boundary-setting. Avoid impulsive decisions during the acute shock phase that cannot be undone.
• Marriages can and do survive these affairs, with reported success rates of 50 to 60 percent when professional therapy is involved. Recovery requires full accountability, genuine remorse, patience, and the willingness to build a new relationship rather than restore the old one.
• Professional support is nearly always essential. The complexity of the situation exceeds what most individuals and couples can manage independently, no matter how determined they are.
• Fewer than 25 percent of relationships formed with affair partners survive beyond three years. The intensity that fuels the affair rarely translates into sustainable partnership once the bubble of secrecy is removed.
• Recovery typically takes one to three years for stabilization and three to five years for full healing. Rushing the timeline undermines the process and increases the risk of relapse.
• Recognizing manipulation patterns is critical during this period. If your partner is using guilt, blame-shifting, or gaslighting to avoid accountability, our guide on signs of emotional manipulation in relationships can help you identify and respond to those tactics effectively.

Final Thoughts

A midlife crisis affair is one of the most disorienting experiences a person can face. The betrayal is compounded by the fact that it comes from someone you believed you knew completely, someone who has been your partner through years of shared history, shared sacrifice, and shared dreams. Discovering that this person has been living a double life triggers not just heartbreak but a fundamental crisis of trust in your own judgment. If you did not see this coming, what else have you missed? If this person could deceive you, can anyone be trusted? These questions are natural, and they deserve honest answers.

You did not see it coming because you were not looking for it, and that is not a failure. It is evidence that you operated in good faith within a relationship you had every reason to trust. Your partner's crisis and the choices that followed are their responsibility, not yours. You are not required to fix what you did not break, though you may choose to participate in rebuilding if the conditions warrant it and if your partner demonstrates the sustained commitment to change that makes rebuilding a reasonable endeavor rather than a gamble.

What we have seen consistently in our work at PremiumPairing is that people who survive this experience, regardless of whether the marriage survives, emerge with a deeper understanding of themselves, their needs, and their capacity for resilience. The pain is real and should not be minimized. But the growth that can follow is equally real. Many of our clients tell us that the worst experience of their lives eventually became the catalyst for the most meaningful personal transformation they have ever undergone. That is not a guarantee. It is a possibility. And it is one worth holding onto when everything else feels uncertain.

If you are in the middle of this crisis right now, know that clarity will come. It will not come as quickly as you want it to, and the path to it will not be straight. But it will come. In the meantime, be patient with yourself. Seek support from people who understand the complexity of what you are facing. Make decisions from a place of strength rather than desperation. And remember that your worth was never contingent on another person's ability to see it clearly.

Disclaimer: The information in this article is intended for educational purposes and does not constitute professional therapeutic or legal advice. If you are experiencing emotional distress related to infidelity, please consult a licensed mental health professional. If you are concerned about your safety or the safety of your children, contact your local authorities or a domestic violence hotline immediately.